12:48 AM

Depression .

Assalamualaikum .
Whatever is happening to me is my own fault . I have done something wrong , something so huge I can't even see it , something that's drowning me . I am inadequate and stupid , without worth . I might as well be dead . Aku rasa stress sgt sampai tahap kemurungan yang teruk . Aku rasa mcm aku sekarang berperang dengan perasaan sendiri . Aku whatsapp ayah tapi ayah tak reply . Tak tahu nak rujuk siapa . Allahu . Rasa down sgt sgt . Aku dalam dilema yang teruk sgt . Bg orang mgkin alah hal kecik je . No . Bg aku ni perkara yg besar . Yang melibatkan perasaan aku sendiri . Yang buat aku kusut nak pilih Yes or No . 
Its so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself . That's above and beyond everything else , and it's not a mental complaint , it's a physical thing , like it's physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out . They don't come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people's words do , they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser ,  you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip . So you just keep quiet .
Aku cuba nak terangkan apa masalah aku dekat Tuan Zainal tapi dia seolah olah tak faham . Aku taknak blame dia pun tapi ntahlah . Rasa berat nak cerita kenapa aku nak keluar baris . Ye kalau dlu aku nak kluar sbb skuad instead of jurulatih but now sbb jurulatih , aku nak keluar . Mcm bodoh je tapi ntah . Sbb aku yg hadap . Aku rasa mcm mcm yang aku akan kena bila aku masuk baris semula . Aku rasa mcm smua org nak buang aku yeah maybe perasaan aku kott even Tn Zainal seolah olah cuba think positive when i said yg dorang seolah olah nak buang aku . Husnudzon gilaaaa Jenal ni haish .
Aku kesian dekat As , aku kesian dekat Kira , aku kesian dekat semua orang tapi ntahlah . Takpelah , aku mls nak fikir . Goodnight .

I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this, these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Did he rape my head, too?


  1. hi babe. idk what's your real disaster now but i do really hope you can always be strong okay :")

  2. May Allah blessed you and grant you way out from your misery. Stay strong and always dare to be alone. :)


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