12:48 AM

Depression .

Assalamualaikum .
Whatever is happening to me is my own fault . I have done something wrong , something so huge I can't even see it , something that's drowning me . I am inadequate and stupid , without worth . I might as well be dead . Aku rasa stress sgt sampai tahap kemurungan yang teruk . Aku rasa mcm aku sekarang berperang dengan perasaan sendiri . Aku whatsapp ayah tapi ayah tak reply . Tak tahu nak rujuk siapa . Allahu . Rasa down sgt sgt . Aku dalam dilema yang teruk sgt . Bg orang mgkin alah hal kecik je . No . Bg aku ni perkara yg besar . Yang melibatkan perasaan aku sendiri . Yang buat aku kusut nak pilih Yes or No . 
Its so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself . That's above and beyond everything else , and it's not a mental complaint , it's a physical thing , like it's physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out . They don't come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people's words do , they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser ,  you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip . So you just keep quiet .
Aku cuba nak terangkan apa masalah aku dekat Tuan Zainal tapi dia seolah olah tak faham . Aku taknak blame dia pun tapi ntahlah . Rasa berat nak cerita kenapa aku nak keluar baris . Ye kalau dlu aku nak kluar sbb skuad instead of jurulatih but now sbb jurulatih , aku nak keluar . Mcm bodoh je tapi ntah . Sbb aku yg hadap . Aku rasa mcm mcm yang aku akan kena bila aku masuk baris semula . Aku rasa mcm smua org nak buang aku yeah maybe perasaan aku kott even Tn Zainal seolah olah cuba think positive when i said yg dorang seolah olah nak buang aku . Husnudzon gilaaaa Jenal ni haish .
Aku kesian dekat As , aku kesian dekat Kira , aku kesian dekat semua orang tapi ntahlah . Takpelah , aku mls nak fikir . Goodnight .

I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this, these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Did he rape my head, too?

6 comments:

  1. hi babe. idk what's your real disaster now but i do really hope you can always be strong okay :")

    ReplyDelete
  2. May Allah blessed you and grant you way out from your misery. Stay strong and always dare to be alone. :)

    ReplyDelete

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